I saw a client this week: male, late 20′s, divorced about a year ago. He came in to see me after his wife moved out. I think his initial hope was that she would see how serious he was about making changes in his life and come back. It didn’t work. To his credit, he stuck with the counseling and has made several significant changes in his life. He still comes in about once a month just to check in and get a “booster”. He’s been doing quite well but seemed to have taken a giant step backwards since I saw him last.
He made two statements: “Why did she leave me?” and “How could I have been such a fool?”. Both are common questions. Lots of men and women ask themselves the same things.
Here’s where we went with those questions.
First: Is the question, ‘how could she leave’ or ‘how could she leave ME’? Because I thought I detected a certain amount of pride in there. If not down right arrogance. That line of thinking really undermines the work he had done previously. It’s certainly easier to blame his ex than it is to accept responsibility for the contributions he had made to the break up of the marriage. Once divorce has occurred, all that’s left to do is forgive, learn from your mistakes and move on. (In this case anyway: no children and no assets to speak of.) When pride returns (“I’m not the one who violated my vow to God”; “I was a good guy… no drugs or alcohol, no gambling, no abuse”, etc.) we forget there is more to a quality (Godly, healthy) marriage than the absence of abuse, neglect, or infidelity.
Insight doesn’t produce change. There are plenty of people walking around with insight into their problems continuing to make the same mistakes.
Second: The questions imply there is one, reasonable, logical “reason” for why people do things. I find that’s rarely the case. There is most often a multiplicity of factors. And, emotion – rather than reason – has more to do with a decision to divorce.
Also: What if you had an answer to those questions? How would that help? If Christians are obligated to forgive (and we are), then we need to forgive whether or not we understand “why”. Knowing why doesn’t necessarily help me understand my part in the death of the relationship: I would have to trust that the reasons given were accurate and truthful.
Finally, there is the declaration of foolishness. Either it’s not true or it is. If it’s not, let’s focus on stopping the obsessions on a false, irrational belief. If it is true, then admit it, learn from it, and determine you won’t be foolish again.
I like the guy I saw this morning. (Liking your clients is nice but not necessary.) I suspect he really was a nice guy in his marriage. Guilty of unreasonable and unspoken expectations and emotionally aloof… but a nice guy. I hope he doesn’t allow this one step backwards to stop him from being the man God wants him to be.
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