A few days ago, I wrote about four triggers that start arguments in marriages. (Taken from Andrew Christensen’s Reconcilable Differences
One of the most common demands I encounter as a therapist is one spouse saying to the other, “We need to talk: NOW!”. Think about it; something has been on your mind all day… eight hours to organize your thoughts, marshal your arguments, and prepare your attack. Your spouse gets 30 seconds to do the same.
There are any number of reasons why ‘now’ might not be a good time. I could be in the middle of something. I may not know what I think or how I feel about a particular issue. I could be too tired to talk. Or, too angry (not necessarily at my spouse). Or… anything.
(My wife has an uncanny ability to know when it is the final moment of any televised sporting event. That’s when it’s most convenient for her to ‘talk’.)
Another common example of an unfair demand is to “finish the argument”. This usually means one spouse will not allow the other to sleep until he or she ‘wins’ the argument (although I would suggest that no one really wins when that occurs). This may be justified by quoting, ” Don’t let the sun go down on your anger…”.
I usually point out that this verse doesn’t say anything about resolving a disagreement before the sun goes down, just that we should not hang on to our anger. “You mean I’m just supposed to stop in the middle of an argument, quit being angry, and let him/her go to sleep?”
Yep.
That’s the goal. Very few things in life have to be settled right now. You and your spouse can always take up the discussion tomorrow when you’re both thinking more clearly.
The problem with demanding that we talk now, or that we keep talking, is that the discussion has ceased being a problem-solving session (you and me against the problem) and has become a debate (me against you).
Marriage should always be “you and me against the problem”. When it becomes one spouse pitted against the other, no one wins.
If you would like to make a comment, please fill out the form below.
