A few days ago, I wrote about four triggers that start arguments in marriages. (Taken from Andrew Christensen’s Reconcilable Differences.)
I once worked with a couple who argued – passionately – over whether toilet paper should go “over” or “under” when placed in the holder. I have a very vivid memory of the husband (an engineer) drawing a diagram, complete with obscure mathematical formulas, demonstrating how “under” was more efficient.
His wife didn’t care: “over” was, in her mind, more aesthetically pleasing.
This couple had been married for nearly 30 years; the argument had never been resolved.
Couples fight over the silliest things. When the dust settles, they look at each other and wonder how something so small could generate so much anger.
First, it could be a lack of trust. It’s not what was done or not done; it’s the continual breaking of a promise. (“You agreed the toilet paper would go “over”. But every time I go in there it’s “under”!)
Or, it could be poor conflict-resolution skills. One person agrees to do something a certain way or within a specific time, without any intention of following through. Some people are so conflict-avoidant they become adept at agreeing to anything in order to end the argument, knowing they have no intention of fulfilling the agreement. When confronted with the basic dishonesty and deceptiveness involved, they rationalize it as easier than continuing the argument. Anything for peace.
The main reason, in my opinion, for continued arguments over little things is a belief that there is one right way to do any task. And if one spouse is right, then the other must be wrong. I have a friend, now retired from counseling, who kept a sign in his office: “Would you rather be right or happy; choose only one.”
To the best of my knowledge, “The toilet paper shall not go ‘over’ “, is not the eleventh commandment. Many of the things we get annoyed at aren’t carved in stone, either.
How did the couple (above) resolve their bathroom woes? They agreed to abide by my decision. I told them, in a flash of Solomon-like insight, the roll of toilet paper – until they could reach a genuine resolution to which both could fully agree – should remain “vertical”, standing upright on the tank.
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