A few days ago, I wrote about four triggers that start arguments in marriages. (Taken from Andrew Christensen’s Reconcilable Differences
Criticism is de-valuing another’s thoughts, feelings, or person. It can be blatant (“you’re fat and so’s your mother”). Or, criticism can be subtle (“When you said the same thing to me, I didn’t get mad”).
John Gottman claims healthy marriages have at least five positive interactions for every one criticism. Sounds easy enough: the mathematics of a healthy marriage is a 5:1 ratio of positive to critical interactions.
Simple, huh?
Not really. The problem arises when I distort what you said and ASSUME you meant to criticize me.
So when a third party (therapist, pastor, or friend) hears the details of your latest marital conflict, is he hearing a a report of how you were unfairly criticized or of how your distorted thinking fueled the argument?
Years ago I bought a weedeater so I could keep up with the neighbors (I gave up on having the best-looking lawn around, now I simply aim at not having the worst lawn on the cul-de-sac). Opening the box, I discovered about a million little parts. That didn’t bother me. It was the incomprehensible directions that got to me.
I put all the little pieces back in the box, put the box on a shelf, and forgot about it.
One spring day three years later I came home from work and my wife met me at the door with an short announcement. To call what followed an ‘argument’ is an understatement.
It was this incident that put me in touch with a core value I didn’t realize I had: real men should be able to assemble anything.
What she said: “Look… Jerry put your weedeater together.”
What I heard: “You’re such a wimp that I had to go outside the
marriage for a handyman.”What I said: “How could you do this to me? Why don’t you just take out a billboard that says, ‘My husband’s a loser’?”What (I’m sure) she thought: “Did I marry a crazy man?”
Initially, we both believed we had been unfairly criticized. Eventually I figured out she had been verbally attacked; I was a victim of my own distorted thinking.
Learn from my mistakes: check first to make sure you heard what you thought you heard before you escalate an argument.
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