I generally ask, “What’s the goal for your separation?” I usually get blank stares from both parties. How long will the separation last? What issues/problems do you plan on addressing during the separation? Which issues will wait until you are both under the same roof again? How often will you see one another? What about phone calls? Emails? What is the plan for the one who moved out to see the children? What are you telling people/extended family about the separation? Are you planning on having sex while you’re separated? How will you know it’s time to move back in?
More blank stares.
One of the first things I do for couples who have already separated but are wanting to work on the marriage is provide “rules” for their time apart. A structured, written covenant answering the above questions.
Now I discover someone has written a book on how to provide structure for a marital separation. I’ve not read it yet; this is not an endorsement of the book, just something interesting I hope may have value.
Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage
Until now, couples facing the dilemma of deciding whether or not to stay in an unhappy marriage had three options: individual or couples therapy, separation, or divorce. Should I Stay or Go? provides these couples with a fourth option–the Controlled Separation (CS). Should I Stay or Go? explains CS and shows how it can be used as a tool to help couples make the best decision for both partners.
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