My secretary fielded a phone call the other day: a mom wanted to make an appointment for her 19-year-old son AND she wanted to come in – by herself – for the first session BEFORE I saw the young man. I overheard her explain that “I don’t have to ask him; I already know that Mr. McElroy won’t do that”. Mom was offered the opportunity to come in with her son or to make an appointment for herself instead of for her son. But no appointment would be made in the manner Mom wished.
I don’t have a problem with parents making appointments for their college-aged or grown children. Maybe the kid’s in class or has a job where he can’t make personal phone calls. My problem was the “I want to meet with you first” attitude. Inevitably (make that Every Single Time) a parent wants to do this for a grown child the agenda is: let me tell you not only what’s wrong with my baby boy, but what the treatment plan should look like.
Which means I have to spend time explaining that their child is an adult; I have to explain about privacy, confidentiality, and HIPAA laws; I have to explain certain aspects of family systems theory and how Mom might be a little too close to the situation to see things objectively.
The parent leaves my office frustrated because her goals weren’t met: I didn’t listen to her diagnosis of her child and I’m not adopting her treatment plan. If the child does come in afterward I’m either viewed with the suspicion that I’ve already taken Mom’s side or vital information is left out because it is assumed Mom already told me.
What’s a therapist to do? I try to turn those phone calls into family therapy appointments. Bring Mom, Dad, and college student – and anyone else who lives under the same roof – so everyone can start off on equal footing.
We can do lots of things for our kids.
Sometimes, we can do too much.
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Brilliant! How in the world do you have patience them, though?? I love your blog, I’ve been reading it for over 2 years. Shame on me for not commenting sooner!
Sara,
Thanks for visiting Counseling Notes!
Bowden,
I have an excellent example of that in my own family. I had an aunt and uncle who adopted a child after many years of infertility. They smothered him so badly that he never learned much in school as dad always did the homework. When he took trombone lessons, my uncle practiced for him and got pretty good at playing it, but my cousin never did.
And when he finally joined the Navy, he got in massive trouble and was simultaneously kicked out of the service and Florida, if he promised never to come back to either.
He died, not too happy a man, in his early 40′s.
yes, try doing this when in your clinic, patients can self consent for your services at any age. Explain that one to a mom. Especially ones who want their kids to come in when the kid doesn’t really want to. And for me, then there is the ones who DON’T want their kids to see me. All this to say, I can understand your predicament. I’m getting pretty good at dealing with hovering moms. We have a policy for all adolescents, first visit is JUST with the patient and me. If it was up to me, I’d rather deal with the kids than the parents.
Bob,
Scary story; serves as a good reminder why we need to prepare our kids to be actual adults.
Meredreth,
Are you saying that the parent of a minor can’t insist on treatment? Or, has no authority over their child’s health care? Sounds like some laws need to be changed.