Parenting and Porn

Stacy Harp, an MFT intern, has a provacatively titled post (Why Internet Cameras Should Be Banned) referencing this story from the New York Times.

The Times story focuses on the ills and dangers of the internet. “(This) dark coming-of-age story is a collateral effect of recent technological advances. Minors, often under the online tutelage of adults, are opening for-pay pornography sites featuring their own images sent onto the Internet by inexpensive Webcams.” The parents are depicted as nice but clueless people whose son was led astray in spite of their best efforts.

I’ve been thinking about this article off and on all day. The story has the ring of truth; pedophiles can be patient people, carefully choosing their victims and taking the time to groom them for abuse.

I do have a problem with the article. My problem is the characterization – the ‘feel’ of the article – of the parents (mom and stepdad) as being innocent victims along with the teenager. I’ve been working with troubled teens and their parents for over 22 years and in all that time I’ve met one (maybe two) families where the parents appeared to have done everything right. The rest of the time, the parents were at best ineffective if not outright neglectful, abusive, or dysfunctional in some manner.

Please understand: nice people can be ineffective parents. Ineffective means just that; it doesn’t mean they are cruel, neglectful, abusive, or ‘bad’ in any way. It simply means they earned a C- or a D+ in parenting.

I do have some presuppositions when it comes to raising teens. First, the goal of parenting: the objective is to have a fully functioning, independent, (and for most reading this blog) godly adult. It doesn’t matter that they are great 13-year-olds or terrific 16-year-olds. The end result is what matters.

Second, I believe that there is an imaginary center point in the permissive – strict continuum that each parent should strive for. Strive, but in all likelihood, rarely achieve. Parenting teens is a constant juggling act between being too lenient/permissive and too strict/rigid. I decided long ago that if I were to fail to achieve the perfect balance, I was going to err on the too strict side. Teens whose parents are way too rigid tend to become perfectionistic and insecure adults who may struggle with depression and anxiety. Teens whose parents are far too permissive tend to become oppositional and self-centered/entitled adults who may struggle with addiction and have difficulty maintaining jobs and relationships.

To put it bluntly, which would you rather have: a kid on Lexapro or a kid in jail?

Third, I believe that in every family, someone will be in charge. If not the adults, then the teen will fill that void. I want to make sure the adults are in charge. In charge but respectful. In control without being controlling.

Finally, I think parenting has it’s own set of rules. Rules that aren’t based on what’s fair or equitable. Rules that differ from company policies, church bylaws, or the court system. Too often I’ve heard parents complain that they “knew” something was wrong but they didn’t have proof. Proof? There are no rules for the introduction of evidence here. You are a parent; not a judge worried about the possible embarrassment of having your ruling overturned. You’re adults. Be the adults in the relationship. Instead, the rules are based on marital decree. The rules should be what the husband and wife in the house agree they should be. The rules should be based on mutual understanding (of husband and wife) of biblical principles on how we should relate to one another. (Blended families are slightly different, but the principle of the adults being in charge still applies.)

So what did the parents in the Times story do wrong? (Keep in mind, I’m like Will Rogers — I only know what I read in the papers.)

Let’s start with the computer itself. First, the Times references a “bedroom computer” for the teen. A what? I understand – and support – teenagers having quiet time alone in their room. Often, teens spend too much time in their room and not enough interacting with the family. I’m in favor of getting computers and TVs out of teenager’s bedrooms. This forces the teen to occasionally come out of his/her cave, teaches them to share the family resources, and allows parents to peek over their shoulder and monitor what they do on the computer as well as what they watch on TV. Having the computer in a family room also provides adults (read “Dad”) a measure of accountability and protection.

Parents also need to know enough about how a computer works to be able to randomly check the history, cookies, and cache. A rule that says no one but Mom and Dad are allowed to delete any of the above is helpful. I don’t think we need to go so far as to load software that records every key stroke. But we do need to know who’s been surfing where. And deleting the history or emptying the cache should be considered a sign of guilt. This is parenting, not the court: you’re guilty ’til proven innocent.

Next, the teen in the story was hiding expensive webcam’s in his room. Hiding things in his room? Don’t you check your kid’s room every now and then?

Or, telling the parents he was going to a friend’s house when in fact he was going to an apartment rented for him by pedophiles for his porn business. Please, know where your kids are. And, who their friends are. Insist on meeting and talking to your kid’s friends (and their parents), going by their house every now and then. Check your child’s cell phone records.

This is usually where I’m challenged by someone who accuses me of not trusting my own children. Of course I trust my children. I trust my 14-year-old to be a terrific 14-year-old. I trust her to view the world through a 14-year-old’s lens. I trust her to make the best, most mature decision a 14-year-old can make.

I don’t trust her to think through every decision with the care and experience her mother and I use. I don’t trust her to have a healthy dose of skepticism to help her anticipate the motives of others. I don’t trust her to have a complete understanding of how dark and twisted some people she encounters really are.

My job as a parent is to, as President Reagan once said, trust but verify. As each year passes, and my trust is validated, I loosen up a little more and look over her shoulder a little less. An eighth grader gets less trust and more supervision than a high school senior.

Finally, a word about blended families. The Times story didn’t elaborate on the parenting plan the teenager’s biological parents had in place. I don’t know if his father was actively involved in his life or only peripherally so. I assume, since his father not only knew of the porn business but shared in the profits and his mother knew nothing of the teen-aged boy’s online activities, that the two parents had vastly different values. But I do know this: you are never fully divorced from your ex if you have children together. And just because a teen only sees his/her other parent a few times a year doesn’t mean they aren’t deeply impacted by that parent.

Just as someone in the family WILL be in charge; one of the parent’s will set the tone for how much or little cooperation goes on between ex’s. You need to make sure you’re the one setting the tone and that it’s a positive one.

This is really not meant to be a diatribe on what this particular set of parents (mother, father, and stepfather) did wrong. I’m certain they (at least mom and stepdad) are nice people with a sense of right and wrong who did the best they could. Rather, this post is a reaction against the tenor of the Times article that seemed to absolve the parents of responsibility. I came away from reading the article with a sense of the internet being such an evil place, good parenting doesn’t stand a chance. I simply don’t believe that. Ineffectual parenting may not stand a chance against some of the twisted people preying on our children. Good parenting actually has a pretty good chance. If we’re not afraid to take responsiblity and parent our children.

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