Counseling Notes

SBC Impact!

My latest post is up at SBC Impact!

I’ve been providing pre-marital counseling to engaged couples for 25 years; first at a church as an associate pastor responsible for counseling and then later in private practice. It was rare, back in the day, to find a cohabiting couple who sought a Christian counselor for pre-marital counseling. When I asked if they were sexually active, the couple would look embarrassed and sheepishly admit they were living together. There was a sense of anxiety: would I tell their family? The pastor? Would they still be allowed to have their wedding at the church?

Now, it happens all the time. Their families know they’re living together. The pastor knows. Their small group bible study is excitedly preparing a wedding shower. No big deal. No embarrassment. No shame. No indication that living together should be an issue. I have to admit I’m now a little surprised when I find the couple isn’t living together. More surprised when I hear they’re abstaining from sex until their wedding night: not shocked - it’s not that rare - just pleasantly surprised.

You can read the whole thing (Cohabitation, Marriage, and a Mini-rant) here.

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Counseling Notes

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Growing Older (but not up)

I think it’s safe to say my old strategy for diet and exercise just hasn’t worked. My physician, whom I would ordinarily describe as a great doctor and a wonderful Christian man, has threatened me: get in shape, lose some weight, and bring my blood pressure down or start on anti-hypertensive medication.

I used to be in good shape: mostly running and playing softball. But about five or six years ago I injured a knee playing ball. I became a bit of a sloth while the knee was rehabbing and remained so after I healed.

Kind of reminds me of a Jimmy Buffett song:

I rounded first never thought of the worst
As I studied the shortstop’s position
Crack went my leg like the shell of an egg
Someone call a decent physician
I’m no Pete Rose, I can’t pretend
Though my mind is quite flexible, these brittle bones don’t bend

(Chorus)
I’m growing older but not up
My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck
Let those winds of time blow over my head
I’d rather die while I’m living than live while I’m dead

So when talked to by my doctor I did what any middle-aged guy would do: I promised to do better and promptly forgot about it. With this latest threat (he seems serious - and I thought he was such a nice guy) I decided to actually do something.

I joined a gym and started working with a personal trainer. At least that’s what she calls herself. I think of her as the Fitness Nazi.

Soon (okay, eventually - not soon) I’ll be back to playing softball and running and trying in vain to keep up with the young bucks. I’ll probably over do it and hurt myself, but… oh well.

I’m growing older but not up
My metabolic rate is pleasantly stuck
Let those winds of time blow over my head
I’d rather die while I’m living than live while I’m dead

Posted in My Life | 4 Comments »

High School Reunions

Summer is traditionally a slow time in the counseling/therapy biz. At least, for my practice it is. I see fewer kids and teens because they are not in trouble at school (a phone call from the assistant principle is often the first hint parents have that something is wrong). And I see fewer adults; I think it’s because they manage to convince themselves a vacation will fix all their problems. Then, when summer is over, the vacation has been taken, and the problems still remain, they come in for counseling.

Thankfully, there are 20th reunions. Reunions are typically held in June; the referrals for marriage counseling begin around the middle of July. Reunions keep my practice going through the slower summer months.

Here’s how it works: Start with a stale marriage. Not a bad marriage - just stale; the first years were good but lately the couple are only relating to one another as co-managers of a household. The passion is gone. The kids keep them busy. Climbing the corporate ladder and keeping up with the neighbors has become all consuming.

And then at the 20th class reunion the old boyfriend or girlfriend is spotted from across the room. Memory is a funny thing… the relationship we once had suddenly seems more than teenaged, puppy love. The passion we remember is so much more vibrant than the mediocrity currently experienced.

A conversation sparks follow up phone calls; phone calls lead to a meeting. Now, people are convinced they have missed the one true love of their life. The old flame was their soul mate and the current spouse is someone they merely settled for. It’s amazing how rose-colored glasses and willful self delusion can combine to allow one to abandon commitments, vows, and beliefs.

Yep… 20th high school class reunions are good for business. Lousy for marriages, but good for business.

Posted in Affairs, Marriage | 5 Comments »

Cohabitation

No family change has come to the fore in modern times more dramatically, and with such rapidity, as heterosexual cohabitation outside of marriage. Within three decades in most advanced nations the practice of non-marital cohabitation has shifted from being a widely eschewed and even illegal practice to one which, increasingly, is viewed as a normal part of the life course and a necessary prelude to, or even substitute for, marriage. In America before 1970, for example, cohabitation was uncommon, a deviant and unlawful practice found only among people at the margins of our society. Since 1970 the number of Americans living together outside of marriage has increased more than 1,000 percent, with such couples now making up about ten percent of all couples.

-David Popenoe, COHABITATION, MARRIAGE AND CHILD WELLBEING: A Cross-National Perspective

Posted in Marriage, Quotes | No Comments »

Beach Therapy

I’ve been in the counseling field for 25 years. I’m often asked how I can deal with people’s problems day after day. One answer is that counseling is a calling and a ministry, not merely a job.

Another answer is: I take breaks.

Posted in My Life, Random | 5 Comments »

Gilligan?

“Why does Granddaddy wear socks with his sandals?”

“I have no idea. Some things I don’t want to know.”

“He looks like Gilligan… a really old Gilligan.”

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Fathers & Sons

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.”

-Mark Twain

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One Big, Happy Family

“I just want us to be one big, happy family.”

I hear that sentence often when counseling blended families. If what is meant is: “Since we’re all living under the same roof, I’d like for every one to be civil toward one another”, then I have no problem with “one big, happy family”.

But… if what is meant is “You must love your step brothers and sisters the way I love them”, then I have a problem.

Demanding other’s have the same thoughts and emotions you have is unrealistic at best and extremely arrogant at worst.

Posted in Blended Families | 2 Comments »

Mini Rant

“Can you reduce your fee? You’ve been recommended by our pastor/physician/friend, but we don’t think we can afford to see you?”

I am asked that question - or some version of it - on a regular basis. Occasionally the answer is ‘yes’. It depends on a number of things: the severity of the problem we’re treating, who was the referral source, how busy I am, and (chiefly) the financial hardship of the client.

But, please… don’t ask me to subsidize a lifestyle that I can’t afford. Sell the Lexus, drop out of the country club, or get rid of the vacation home at the lake before you ask me to reduce my fees.

And don’t (here’s the rant) tell me you need a reduced fee because attorney fees are killing you. If you’re in the middle of a custody battle or just got your second DUI or your teen is in trouble with the law, then I understand the need to hire a lawyer. I’ll make the same offer I make every time this scenario is brought up: I’ll reduce my fee by the same percentage your attorney reduces his fees.

So far, no one has taken me up on that offer.

Posted in Counseling | 4 Comments »

On Funerals

My latest post is up at SBC Impact!

Attending a funeral is about belonging to a community. It’s fellowship in the deepest sense of the word. It’s about celebrating – to borrow from Hariette’s analogy – the different colors and flavors of all the M&M’s in the bowl. It’s about lives well lived and races well run. I don’t know where Winston or Uncle Roy (both believers and both Southern Baptists) stood on any of the issues we so often discuss in SBC blogs. I realize I don’t care what they believed regarding Calvinism or alcohol or what constitutes an appropriate baptism. And somehow, I don’t think it matters. Not now, not for them. What matters is we celebrate lives lived in the pursuit of God. We are to grieve differently than the world does; and I don’t think we can do that alone. We can only do that in the presence of others who, like us, have tried - and occasionally failed – to follow wherever He leads.

You can read the whole thing here.

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Post-Modern Poster Child

I had an interesting conversation with a teenager the other day.

“I don’t believe in facts”, he said.

“How convenient” was my first thought.

I was puzzled, but intrigued; what, exactly, does “I don’t believe in facts” really mean?

He went on to explain that for all his life (which I took to mean the past year or two) people on both sides of an issue use research, polls, and statistics to bolster their argument. He’s bright enough to know both sides can’t be right. Rather than sort through what the polls, statistics, and research actually mean, he has chosen to simply ignore it all.

His generation gets labeled post-modern by many people; often accompanied by a lament that they see Truth as relative if not meaningless and that they create their own world view out of thin air.

Some of the fault has to lie with my generation. We haven’t taught them to analyze research or sort the pseudo-science and push-polls from the legitimate research; much less the ability to separate good research design from the flawed. Nor have we taught them to think critically about the conclusions being reached.

But this kid - like so many others I encounter - didn’t even know enough to complain that he can’t sort through the competing claims: it’s no wonder he and so many of his peers have embraced the idea that they simply “don’t believe in facts”.

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Parenting a Child with ADHD

Contemporary Pediatrics has advice for parents of children with ADHD: A guide for parents on child ADHD. The advice includes:

If your child, at peak, can focus on her or his homework for 30 minutes without a break, consider an average “win” or success to be 20 or 25 minutes.

Parents should “look into the mirror” to recount their own past expectations, recognize what expectations or hopes (fulfilled and unfulfilled) from their own childhood are being placed on their child, or what expectations derive from the wishes of the extended family or broader community.

What grades are reasonable to expect in specific subjects? What kind of teacher optimizes performance and supports self-esteem? Are there opportunities for structure in seating, or posting homework assignments and reminders on a blackboard or Web site? Are there friends in the class to serve as back-up for notes or assignments? Is there a period available for extra help from the teacher? Can study halls, recess, or a lunch period be used to break up longer periods of required attention?

Read the whole article here.

Posted in ADHD, Parenting | 1 Comment »

the Christian Divorce Rate

The headline, in bold, red letters, states simply: Study: Christian Divorce Rate Identical to National Average. The Christian Post reporter is referencing a the results of a new survey by the Barna Group.

The Barna Group found in its latest study that born again Christians who are not evangelical were indistinguishable from the national average on the matter of divorce with 33 percent having married and divorced at least once. Among all born again Christians, which includes evangelicals, the divorce figure is 32 percent, which is statistically identical to the 33 percent figure among non-born again adults, the research group noted.

Christian counselors, pastors, and culture watchers are not too happy with this survey.

Fortunately, the survey results - or more accurately, the conclusions most often reported - aren’t entirely accurate. I was in a workshop Dr. Scott Stanley offered some months back when he was asked about an early survey Barna did on this same topic (one that offered up very similar results). I can’t quote Dr. Stanley exactly, but the gist of his response was something like this:

On the surface, the Barna Group is essentially correct. But, a deeper look at all the available data reveals a slightly happier outcome. When we control for all the other variables (age at marriage, economic levels, highest education achieved, out-of-wedlock births, cohabitating prior to marriage, etc) so that religious beliefs and values are the only things that is different, then Christians are divorcing at significantly lower rates than the general population.

That suggests to me that churches are doing a poor job of pre-marital counseling and marriage mentoring. We’re marrying while young, poor, and ignorant.

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Too Close to Home

I’m a little offended at how funny my wife thought this video was.

(Anita Renfroe on YouTube.)

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A Real Marriage

Love, at least in a marriage, is a combination of passion and commitment. One of the more difficult - and increasingly common - problems in marital therapy is what does one spouse do when he or she realizes commitment is the only thing keeping their partner in the marriage?

Passion, that feeling of being in love, will likely come and go throughout a long term marriage. It’s a relatively easy thing to help a couple reignite their passion when both are willing.

A little more difficult, but by no means impossible, is helping one spouse find passion when it has waned.

But what do you do when it’s the other spouse - the one not in the counselor’s office - who is determined to stay in a passionless marriage?

Posted in Counseling, Divorce, Marriage | 4 Comments »

Self Esteem

“It’s easy to have high self-esteem — just aim low.”

-Albert Bandura

Posted in Quotes | 1 Comment »

Sporadic Blogging

The problem with assigning my students a paper to write is now I have to read them all.

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Moby Dick

One of my character flaws is I always finish what I start. The book corollary to this flaw is I must always read unabridged books; if the text has been edited, then I can’t actually say I’ve finished. It may take me months or even years, but I’ll eventually reach the end. It took me nearly a year to read the whole 768 pages of Melville’s classic.

Now that I’ve read the entire book I’m having a difficult time understanding why Moby Dick is considered a classic. The narrator - “Call me Ishmael” - disappears in the middle of the book only to appear again on the last page. Melville can’t decide if he’s writing an adventure story, a philosophical treatise, or a non-fiction work of the biology of whales.

But I finished it; one of the great books we’re all supposed to have read in school can finally be checked off my to-do list.

Whew…

Posted in Book Reviews, My Life | 2 Comments »

Notes & News

A list of blog posts and news articles dealing with Parenting that I found interesting. I hope you do, too.

Parenting

Ways Parents Provoke: An article by John MacArthur lists eight ways parents provoke their children.

Baby Bloggin’: I’m all for creative use of new media; but live-blogging your baby’s birth is a little much for me.

Teens Who Have TV In Their Bedroom Are Less Likely To Engage In Healthy Habits, Study Shows

University of Minnesota School of Public Health researchers have found that older adolescents who have a bedroom television are less likely to engage in healthy activities such as exercising, eating fruits or vegetables, and enjoying family meals. They also consumed larger quantities of sweetened beverages and fast food, were categorized as heavy TV watchers, and read or studied less than teens without TVs in their bedrooms.

Sleep Problems in Children With Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder

Two hundred thirty-nine of 330 (74%) eligible families completed the survey. Child sleep problems were common (mild, 28.5%; moderate or severe, 44.8%). Moderate or severe sleep problems were associated with poorer child psychosocial QOL, child daily functioning, caregiver mental health, and family functioning. After adjusting for confounders, all associations held except for family impacts. Compared with children without sleep problems, those with sleep problems were more likely to miss or be late for school, and their caregivers were more likely to be late to work. Forty-five percent of caregivers reported that their pediatricians had asked about their children’s sleep and, of these, 60% reported receiving treatment advice.

Prozac, Kids and Long-Term Treatment

Is Prozac (fluoxetine) a good long-term treatment for children and teens grappling with depression to help prevent relapse?

According to a study published in this month’s American Journal of Psychiatry, the answer appears to be, “Yes.”

The researchers examined 168 children and adolescents ages 7 to 18. The study looked at whether or not a person relapsed, and how quickly, as the primary outcome measure.

Parenting Behavior Plays a Part in Preschoolers’ Sleep Problems

Sleep problems in preschoolers may be partly the result of disturbances earlier in childhood and how parents respond to them, a longitudinal study revealed.

In a study of nearly 1,000 children, sleep disturbances at ages five to 17 months predicted parental behaviors such as the mother being present when the child fell asleep, taking the child out of bed at night, which includes moving the child into the parents’ bed (co-sleeping), and giving food or drinks at night, found Valerie Simard, M.Sc., M.Ps., of the University of Montreal, and colleagues.

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Marriage is Like Living in Minnesota

I now think of marriage like I think about living in my home state of Minnesota. You move into marriage in the springtime of hope, but eventually arrive at the Minnesota winter, with its cold and darkness. Many of us are tempted to give up and move south at this point, not realizing that maybe we’ve hit a rough spot in a marriage that’s actually above average. The problem with giving up, of course, is that our next marriage will enter its own winter at some point. So do we just keep moving on, or do we make our stand now–with this person, in this season? That’s the moral, existential question we face when our marriage is in trouble.

-Bill Doherty

Posted in Marriage, Quotes | 1 Comment »

Notes & News

A list of blog posts and news articles dealing with Marriage and Sex that I found interesting. I hope you do, too.

Bromances aren’t uncommon as guys delay marriage

Bromance: a relationship defined as “the complicated love and affection shared by two straight males,” according to urbandictionary.com.

From “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid” to “Good Will Hunting,” popular culture is filled with examples of straight guy love. The sitcom “Friends” often crafted jokes around the ultratight nature of Joey and Chandler’s relationship, and in the 2005 film “Wedding Crashers,” Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson seemed to have something more like a tortured love affair than a friendship.

But close male friendship isn’t just a quirky television fantasy or a running gag in the movies. Real-life bromances are everywhere. Kevin Collier, 26, a New Jersey construction manager, has lots of manly things in common with his best friend, including but not limited to, “tattoos, motorcycles and chicks,” as Collier put it. But that hasn’t stopped his friends from accusing him of having a “man crush” on his best friend Don Carlo-Clauss, 28, a semiprofessional fighter whose day job is in marketing.

Great Marriage Seminar with Dr. Paul Tripp

Three things stand out in my mind regarding this event. First, it was thoroughly biblical. Many of these kinds of things are built on techniques and how-to stuff. This event was built on the teaching of Scripture. It was very substantial rather than hollow and cosmetic. The Word of God really penetrates to the heart of our issues.

Second, the event was gospel-centered. There was repeated mention of our sin and God’s grace. It was not a moralistic message to “do better” or “try harder.” The teaching was punctuated with reminders that we are fallen people in a fallen world desperate for God’s grace through Jesus Christ. There was no hint that we can improve ourselves apart from the truth of the gospel.

Third, the application of Scripture was personal, pointed, and penetrating. Dr. Tripp did a magnificent job painting the intersection of biblical truth and real life. I found myself identifying with many of his examples. It was truth with skin on it.

Casual Sex and Cigarettes

If you want to understand the meaning of indoctrination, take a look at the “Ask a College Student” blog in today’s New York Times.

It’s a post about what’s in store for high-school seniors preparing to enter the college ranks. So they ask some New York college students the real important stuff like “Do you smoke?” and “How many more people do you think you’ll sleep with before you get married?”

But never mind the questions, what’s interesting is the responses.

These young women being interviewed are all indignant about the health risks of tobacco but seem to have no concern whatsoever about the risks of having multiple sex partners.

Fast Forces of Attraction

Attraction is so subtle that we would trip over our own feet if we were aware of every move. That’s why our brains have set us up to draw instantaneous inferences from tiny nuances of behavior, what psychologists call “thin slices” of judgment. We form first impressions of another’s attractiveness in a tenth of a second, generating a symphonic burst of desire in which everything from voice to wit plays a part.

Sex Education

After conducting a national college survey of over 2,500 students, I found that among those who reported “hooking up” — a range of sexually intimate acts, from kissing to intercourse, that occur outside a committed relationship — at Catholic and nonreligious private and public colleges and universities, 41% are profoundly upset about their behavior. The 22% of respondents who chose to describe a hook-up experience (the question was optional) used words like “dirty,” “used,” “regretful,” “empty,” “miserable,” “disgusted,” “ashamed,” “duped” and “abused” in their answers. An additional 23% expressed ambivalence about hooking up, and the remaining 36% were more or less “fine” with it. And 45% of students at Catholic and 36% at nonreligious private and public schools say that their peers are too casual about sex. Not a single person at these schools said that their peers valued saving sex for marriage, and only 7% said that they felt that their friends wanted to reserve sex for committed, loving relationships.

Marriage and falling in love with the front end of the puppy

…we fall in love with the “front end of the puppy” but never the back end. But, every puppy has a back end. Dealing with the back end, he says, isn’t rocket science, but if it isn’t regulated, it will be a problem.

Like every dog, every marriage has a back end. Our challenge is to accept this fact and not try to make our marriages not have a back end.

The Purpose of Marriage

In the disorientation following my second broken engagement, I found myself struggling with the question, “What is the purpose of marriage”?
At the time, I came up with the following: “The purpose of marriage is to help each other identify and carry out God’s will for their life with joy.” While I still think it’s a helpful definition, just this morning I came across a stronger one, provided by Dr. Al Mohler:

“The ultimate purpose of marriage is the greater glory of God — and God is most greatly glorified when His gifts are rightly celebrated and received, and His covenants are rightly honored and pledged.”

Pastors dealing with infatuated parishioners

What do pastors need to do? Build solid, clear boundaries. When boundaries are violated, they need to address those violations and involve other leaders or appropriate people–including the legal system should the person persist (stalk?) the pastor.

In reality, we spend far more time making sure that pastors understand their power and do not abuse it. We don’t spend a whole lot of time helping them protect themselves.

Posted in Marriage, Notes & News | Comments Off

Coffee is Good!

This article (Cup Of Coffee A Day Could Help Protect Against Alzheimer’s Disease, Study Suggests) is just what I needed. One more reason to justify my caffeine addiction.

A daily dose of caffeine blocks the disruptive effects of high cholesterol that scientists have linked to Alzheimer’s disease. A study in the open access publication, Journal of Neuroinflammation revealed that caffeine equivalent to just one cup of coffee a day could protect the blood-brain barrier (BBB) from damage that occurred with a high-fat diet.

Posted in Random | 3 Comments »

Types of Affairs

There are really no hard and fast rules for describing types of extra-marital affairs. Every writer comes up with his own classification. (I’ve written about this same subject here.) Below is another way of thinking about affairs:

Affairs present themselves in every area of social work. The therapist, the school social worker, and the parenting coordinator have different roles, different sources of information, and different goals. When an affair is part of the picture, each needs specific strategies to address the situation. These dos and don’ts, while more useful in some settings than others, are a guide to calming the chaos of an affair and promoting positive change.

Don’t assume that all affairs are alike. They vary in terms of motivations and behavior patterns. Generally, affairs fall into one of the following types:

Conflict avoidance — The partners are afraid to address differences and lack the skills to do so. Their differences remain unresolved and they drift apart.

Intimacy avoidance — The partners avoid getting too close for fear of being swallowed up. They relate emotionally through conflict. If both partners are having affairs, they are probably this type.

Split self — Characterized by an internal split between the rational self that values family and attempts to do what is “right,” and the emotional self which has been suppressed since early childhood. These are the serious, long-term affairs.

Sexual addiction — The betraying partner uses sex to numb internal pain and fill up the inner emptiness. The betrayed partner enables.

Exit — A decision has already been made to end the relationship, and the affair is used as an exit strategy.

Read the whole article here.

(Hat tip: Ben at Marriages Restored)

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Postponing Marriage

Americans are waiting longer to get married: when my parents married the average age was 22 for men and 20 for women; the year my wife and I were married the averages were 24 and 22; for the most recent data I could find (2005), the average for men was 27 and 25 for women.

Waiting a few years after marriage to start a family presents its own problems, especially for women.

There is plenty of evidence to show that the quality of your eggs takes a nose dive at age 35. And about 20 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage, which means you have almost a 50 percent chance of having to go through three pregnancies to have two children. And it’s recommended that you breast feed, which decreases your ability to get pregnant, at least while you’re breast feeding. So be realistic: You can’t count on getting pregnant three times in three years. You can’t control fertility. Waiting until your midthirties to start a family, if you want to carry the babies yourself, is a risky endeavor. Which means, of course, you probably want to find a partner by the time you’re 30.

And just so I don’t sound like the good-old-boy, traditional values, religious person that I am, the above quote is from Penelope Trunk, a Boston Globe reporter. Not exactly an Okie redneck.

Some bloggers I read are advocating a return to marrying young. I think that’s a bad idea. Not that it can’t work out: I was engaged at 19, married at 20, and a father shortly after my 21st birthday. Our wedding was 27 years ago, we’re still married to one another, and I think you could do a lot worse if looking for an example of a happily married couple.

Still, we know there are three factors common to marriages that don’t make it:

Youth

Poverty

Ignorance

Marrying young with little education and a low income is still the best way to ensure marital difficulties.

A better strategy is to worry less about your age and focus more attention on realistic expectations regarding marriage. Soul Mates exist only in movies and novels.

(HT: Boundless Line)

Posted in Marriage | 8 Comments »

An Angry Young Man

I walked into the end of something today. I arrived early for my class and outside of the classroom was a student talking with a campus police officer.

The benches normally spaced out along one wall of the hallway were stacked on top of each other and the young man was excitedly explaining to the cop why he did that.

“That old guy was disrespectful to me and my friends.” He explained that a professor had yelled and cussed at him for moving the benches; stacking them was a way to retaliate.

I have no idea what happened before I arrived. I do know that while I was standing there (standing because there was no place to sit: all the benches were stacked on top of each other) the “old guy” was irritated but polite, the cop was slightly amused and polite, and another student was politely insisting she had witnessed the whole thing and that the professor had not been rude.

The only one being disrespectful was the student who had been “dissed”.

What amused me about the whole incident was the way the student was completely blind to the disconnect between his version of events and his current behavior.

What saddened me was his attitude of entitlement: he clearly believed his behavior was justified because someone had been rude to him.

I did feel a little sorry for the Director of Campus Security. After he had been called in he spent a great deal of time and energy reasoning with the student trying to get him to see the inappropriateness of both his attitude and behavior. That was a lost cause.

Posted in Random | 4 Comments »

The Business of Divorce

In a recent blog entry (The Divorce Industrial Complex) Al Mohler writes:

Few Americans seem to understand that marriage is being undermined by what can be called a “Divorce Industrial Complex” that includes lawyers, counselors, court personnel, and various others.

I suppose I should be offended. I am one of those counselors who benefits financially from the “Divorce Industrial Complex”.

I should be; but I’m not. The truth is I agree with most of Dr. Mohler’s conclusions.

Americans who think of divorce as a marginal issue to the culture would do well to consider this evidence. The pathology of easy divorce is now documented all around us. Even more tragically, we have allowed –and even encouraged — an entire industry to grow up around the destruction of marriage. The Divorce Industrial Complex is judgment on us all.

I would be perfectly happy if that part of my practice disappeared because there was no longer a need; but I’m not holding my breath. The epidemic of wide spread divorce isn’t likely to go away any time soon, even if we change the laws. The problem isn’t no-fault divorce. I’m sure the current divorce laws don’t help, but the law isn’t the main problem.

The deeper problems have to do with how so many people approach marriage. Passion has replaced commitment as the defining quality of love. Adults wants, desires, and rights are considered before the needs of children. Perhaps the biggest problem of all is that fidelity has been redefined in terms of serial monogamy. As a people, we no longer believe in “til death do us part”. Instead we believe in ‘be faithful to the one you’re with for as long as you are with them’. Demographers no longer write about the age at which people are first (as in newly) married; instead we discuss what age people are at their first marriage. “Starter marriage” may not be a widely used phrase, but it appears to be a widely held concept.

The no-fault divorce laws didn’t create the prevailing view of marriage. Rather, as attitudes changed, people demanded the law change to keep pace with the new world view. To turn away from divorce as big business we must first change the culture of marriage.

Posted in Blended Families, Counseling, Divorce | 2 Comments »

Marriage and Family Links

New Study: What Parents do For Teens.

This study found three things were important: “family routines, parental monitoring, and supportiveness.”

Never Too Young? Misleading Our Girls About Beauty

Why would parents allow, much less encourage, the sexualization of their young daughters? True beauty is a matter of godly character, not of external appearance. We are setting these young girls up for disaster in more than one form.

Spanking Kids Increases Risk Of Sexual Problems As Adults

Straus analyzed the results of four studies and found that spanking and other corporal punishment by parents is associated with an increased probability of three sexual problems as a teen or adult:
• Verbally and physically coercing a dating partner to have sex.
• Risky sex such as premarital sex without a condom.
• Masochistic sex such as being aroused by being spanked when having sex.

Christianity Today’s Best Sex Advice

Twenty article from the past 20 years: check the articles by Joyce & Cliff Penner and David & Claudia Arp.

Men Who Do Housework May Get More Sex

Among the findings they cited:

* In the U.S., time-use diary studies show that since the ’60s, men’s contribution to housework doubled from about 15 percent to more than 30 percent of the total. Over the same period, the average working mother reduced her weekly housework load by two hours.

* Between 1965 and 2003, men tripled the amount of time they spent on child care. During the same period, women also increased the time spent with their children, suggesting mutual interest in a more hands-on approach to child-raising…

Parental Supervision During High School May Curb College Drinking Problems, Study Shows

The findings strengthen the idea that certain parental practices throughout high school and perhaps college could be used to curb high-risk drinking in older adolescents. Underage drinking is linked to a number of negative outcomes in this group, including suicide, high-risk sexual activity and an increased chance of alcohol dependence.

A couple of the women at Boundless have a series on dating: Let’s talk about Dating.

Part 1: Be Realistic
Part 2: Holding Out
Part 3: The Harm in Hanging Out
Part 4: Moving Toward Clarity
Part 5: Being Proactive
Part 6: Managing Expectations
Part 7: Love

Posted in Blogging, Marriage, Notes & News, Parenting | 2 Comments »

Ground Breaking Research

Sometimes you gotta wonder about the pressure on academics to “publish or perish”.

First there was this article, originally published in the Archives of Pediatric & Adolescent Medicine: Non-medical Use Of Prescription Medications Associated With Drug Abuse Among College Students

College students who take frequently abused medications without a prescription appear to have a higher risk for drug abuse than those who use such therapies for medical reasons, according to a new report.

So… drug abusers are at higher risk to become drug abusers. Brilliant.

And there’s this statement of the obvious: Restricting Kids’ Video Time Reduces Obesity, Randomized Trial Shows

Results showed that watching television and playing computer games can lead to obesity by reducing the amount of time that children are physically active, or by increasing the amount of food they consume as they as engaged in these sedentary behaviors.

Let me get this straight: kids who are sedentary and physically inactive tend to gain weight. Who’d a thunk it?

Posted in Counseling, Random | 2 Comments »

Conversation?

I just had the following conversation with my wife:

Me: Is KD at…

Her: Yep; she’s at church.

Me: Do I need to…

Her: Nope.

Me: So then…

Her: Either Jessie (my daughter’s best friend) or Justin (her boyfriend) will bring her home.

Me: Do you realize you didn’t let me finish a single sentence?  Either I’m really predictable or we’ve been married a long time.

Her: Both.

Posted in My Life | 3 Comments »

Churches and Customer Service

My latest post is up at SBC Impact!:

The best businesses nurture a relationship with their customers, treating them well, and listening to their complaints and concerns. Some times the complaints are acted upon and problems are fixed. Other times the consumer is educated about how what they think they want won’t really be of value to them in the long run.

I’m about to give up on the church-as-family metaphor for a community of believers. Too many church goers have no idea what a healthy family should look like. The metaphor simply escapes them. But I’m thinking about this metaphor of a really good, customer-oriented business. Sometimes we can adapt the rigidity of our programs and processes to better meet people’s needs. Other times we need to challenge our members toward a more mature understanding of what it means to be a follower of Christ.

Read the whole post here.

Posted in Church, Southern Baptist | 4 Comments »