Albert Mohler writes about “No-fault” divorce in his blog today. Thoughtful and well written, there is only one problem… it’s old news. No fault divorce has been the norm all of my adult life (and I’m no longer considered young).
Dr. Mohler asks,
“Without clear leadership from the pulpit, the issue of divorce has simply fallen through the cracks of church life… Where is the recognition that divorce is an affront to the glory of God and a sin that is expressly described in the Bible as an evil that God hates?”
So in the spirit of “courage and candor” I’ll make a few remarks from the perspective of both a pastor and a counselor.
“I don’t believe in divorce” is a phrase that should never be uttered by a Christian leader. Just not believing in it won’t make divorce go away. One can believe divorce is not appropriate or justified but to “not believe in divorce” is a little like standing on a railroad track thinking no harm will ever come to you because you don’t believe in trains. Divorce happens. It is here to stay.
More emphasis needs to be placed on pre-marital counseling and marriage mentoring. One church I was serving as Interim pastor struggled with adopting guidelines about using the church facilities for weddings. They were only concerned with how much of a deposit to require and who could run the sound board. When I asked for requirements such as premarital counseling at least six months prior to the wedding I was informed that would cause too much ill will in the community.
I don’t do weddings any more. As an interim, I’m not often asked, and that’s okay with me. I would rather do a funeral than a wedding. At a funeral, there is the opportunity to make a real difference for the family. At a wedding the minister is just one more accessory. (Try explaining to the mother of the bride that God, not her daughter, should be the focal point of this particular religious ceremony.)
There are two sides to every story. And usually enough blame to go around. I think this makes it difficult for the church. Dr. Mohler suggests the church doesn’t address the issue of divorce out of “fear and intimidation”. Fear of what? Intimidation by whom? I think many don’t address divorce because it’s gray and messy instead of clean and clear-cut. “I didn’t want a divorce” is not the same as “innocent” or blameless. A spouse who ignored every wedding vow he or she made except sexual fidelity is not blameless. It’s just easier to ignore the situation than exercise discernment. Discernment might lead to confrontation. Effective confrontation requires relationship. And relationship is messy work.
Does God hate divorce? Absolutely. I have no trouble making that statement. Preaching against divorce is only one part of the answer… and probably the smallest part. We need to: 1) be more proactive in pre-marital counseling. 2) Take a firm stand about who gets married in our sanctuaries and by our ministers. And, 3) Have the kind of church community that fosters transparent relationships so we can intervene both before and after a couple gets divorced.
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