From the Norman Transcript: Myths and facts of raising good citizens
In the late 1960s, the newly emerging parenting experts told parents high self-esteem would lead to better grades, better behavior, and prevent drug and alcohol use.
Unfortunately, it just hasn’t turned out that way. In fact, not only has research failed to establish a reliable connection between “feeling good about oneself” and either high achievement or good behavior, it also strongly suggests high self-esteem may dispose certain people — children included — to anti-social and?or self-destructive behavior.
I have written on the self esteem myth before: The Self Esteem Myth and Self Esteem and School
It is not that hard to raise a self-centered, entitled child. Of course, self-centered children with a sense of entitlement often grow into narcissistic adults so make sure that is your goal before you embark on a self esteem raising program.
Start with a disconnect between praise (building their self esteem) and competence (good behavior and/or good academic performance). Tell them they are special when they haven’t done anything special. Tell them they are smart when they are merely average. Give them rewards for simply acting like a civilized human being.
Next, never let any one criticize your child for any reason. Poor grades are the teacher’s fault; too much time on the sidelines is clearly the coach’s poor judgement. Don’t just tell the child it is not his fault he is in trouble at school; tear into the teacher, conference with the principle, rally the PTA to get the teacher fired. And be sure and let your child know every move you make.
Finally, never say “NO” to your child. Why should they do without? And always believe your child/teen; even when the lie is obvious to the other six billion people on the planet.
If you follow these three simple steps, and do them consistently, you will have a child who has a wonderful self esteem. He or she will believe they are God’s gift to the world.
Of course they will be constantly frustrated that the world won’t recognize their brilliance. And meaningful relationships will be difficult: why should they “give and take” with their spouse when they are never wrong?
Not to worry: with cell phones, email, and instant messaging you can always be close by to assure them it’s not their fault.
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I stumbled across your blog a couple weeks ago–I’m in the process of being certified as a Biblical counselor, so I’ve been reading with interest. I enjoyed what you wrote today and just wanted to let you know that I’m linking on my blog. Thanks for sharing!