Since my post yesterday on Friendship, I’ve been thinking about the differences between acquaintanceship and genuine friendship. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far.
Transparency: To know and be known. Choose your cliche – no masks, real, authentic, few secrets. Somehow there is a sense of not having to play a role. I’m just Bowden; not the therapist, or the pastor, or the good neighbor, or the Sunday School Teacher. To be transparent is to live a life whose motto is: “What you see is what you get”.
Time: Friendships cannot be built without spending time together. Friendships have to be nurtured. Time spent accomplishing a task does count; just not as much as time spent with no particular agenda.
Everybody I know is too busy. We’re not in junior high anymore and we have to be deliberate in pursuing friendships.
Trust: Trust means I can accurately predict how you will respond to me. If I am confident you will look out for my best interests, I can trust you. I can also trust you to be consistent if you stab me in the back every chance you get. I know how to relate to each of these groups. I have no clue what to do if you are inconsistent. Will you be supportive? Or, will you sabotage me? Mistrust occurs when I don’t know how you will act.
Friendships become meaningful when I can trust you to look out for my best interests, even when that’s likely to be unpleasant. A good friend is like a good coach: he knows when to put his arm around you and compliment you for a good effort; and he knows when to give you a swift kick and tell you to take another lap.
Reciprocity: A relationship is a friendship only when it is reciprocal. If I give a part of my life to you (my hopes, dreams, fears, successes, struggles, etc.) and yet I know nothing of your hopes and dreams, we have some kind of a relationship… But not a friendship. You may be my therapist, my confessor, or my mentor, but you’re not my friend.
Risk is inherent in the process of developing friends. The only way I know if I can trust you is to give you a part of my life and see what you do with it. That’s why time is such a crucial ingredient: I give a small part and see if you’re trustworthy… If so, I give a little more and then see if you reciprocate… Then, I give a little more.
I don’t think it’s a matter of eliminating risk, but of managing risk. The alternative is to have no friends… A life with no risk isn’t much of a life at all.
Finally, I think genuine friendships have a sacrificial quality. To paraphrase Rick Warren, it’s not all about you.
I suspect one thing that deters us (especially men) from developing genuine friendships is the never ending nature of the process. Inevitably, once we establish one or two authentic friendships, things change. People move, get married, change jobs, get divorced, or just change direction in their lives. About the time we think we have our network of friends set, we discover holes in the fabric of our relationships. In order to avoid the lonely trap of starting completely over, I believe we must be deliberate in building our friendships. The goal is to gradually move people up the ladder from acquaintance to friend one rung at a time.
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This is outstanding advice. I feel that I should be paying for this…