Here’s a headline from the NY Times that is at the same time both misleading and, sadly, true. The article quotes some research that I’m not familiar with, but rings true:
“Two years after ending counseling, studies find, 25 percent of couples are worse off than they were when they started, and after four years, up to 38 percent are divorced.”
So now for the misleading part. Marriage counseling can help if the therapist is competent, matches the technique to the needs of the couple, and the couple seeks counseling in time. The Times does say the efficacy of marriage counseling may depend upon a number of factors including the competence of the therapist and the length of time the couple had been experiencing high levels of conflict before seeking counseling.
I think people seek marriage counseling for one of three reasons: first, there are those individuals who are committed to making the marriage work. “Whatever it takes” is their motto. Then, there are those people who want the counselor to help them decide whether or not to stay married. Often this is phrased as, “Can this marriage be saved?” Finally, there are those individuals who are only going through the motions; they have no intention of staying married they just want to be able to say to someone (children, parents, pastor) that, “At least I tried.”
If one or both partners are in the third camp I can’t help them. (God is a big God and miracles can happen; but I have little if anything to offer them as a couple.) I’ve literally had people see me in the morning only to tell me they have already have an appointment with a divorce attorney the same afternoon: I’m good, but I’m not that good.
“Couples wait an average of six years of being unhappy with their relationship before getting help. We help the very distressed couples less than the moderately distressed couples.” – John Gottman
The Times goes on to say the type of help one receives is important. And, there are other ways of helping besides therapy. Communication workshops, pre-martial counseling, and marriage enrichment all play a role in helping couples achieve a happy marriage. I would add to that the role a church can play in providing all of the above plus marriage mentoring programs.
To close I’ll let you in on marriage counseling’s “dirty little secret”. The motivation of the couple may be the single most important factor in determining whether or not marital therapy “sticks”. A brilliant therapist won’t save a marriage where (at least) one spouse is determined to divorce. And, a mediocre therapist can help a couple who are absolutely determined to make their marriage work.
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