I was asked the other day if I was committed to the concept of “divorce is never an option”? I rarely give a simple, straight answer to that question. Not because I’m wishy-washy on my beliefs re: what the Bible has to say about divorce and remarriage. (Mike at Eternal Perspectives has a series of posts about that issue.) And certainly not because I believe divorce should be an easy option for someone whose marriage is in crisis. But because I rarely trust the questioner’s motives.
Before I answer that, I want to know – as precisely as possible – what is really being asked. If I’m being asked do I – as a counselor – believe in doing everything possible to help couples have happy, healthy, Godly, marriages? The answer is yes. But often, that is not what I’m really being asked.
Often, the underlying question is “Will you tell my spouse they HAVE to stay married to me no matter what? ‘Cause I really want to continue being a complete jerk and I think a Christian counselor should support me in that.” Or, “I’m special. I shouldn’t have to face any consequences for my years of bad behavior.” [I know that sounds harsh but I hear it on a regular basis (not those words, exactly; but the sentiment).]
Here’s my typical response: it’s not about insisting your spouse and your therapist have correct doctrine. Those clients have missed the point. It’s about learning to put off the old nature and put on the new nature. It’s about having the fruit of the Spirit manifested in your life. It’s about going out of your way to treat your spouse with the same kindness and consideration you would show anyone else. It’s about looking at the whole of God’s message and not picking/choosing one or two favorite verses to beat your spouse over the head with.
And, my second response is: you’re asking the wrong person. It doesn’t matter what my commitment to marriage is – you’re not married to me. What matters is that your spouse, right or wrong, is beginning to view divorce as an acceptable option. It’s unlikely that a lecture in theology from me will keep your marriage together. I wish I were that powerful, but I’m not.
(My aunt tells the story of going home and telling her mother (my grandmother) that she was going to leave her husband. My grandmother told her “No!” and sent her back. My aunt and uncle worked out their problems and have been happily married for years. But, it’s unlikely she would have given anyone else that kind of power and authority in her life.)
Do I believe in divorce? What a silly question. Divorce happens. Saying you don’t believe in divorce is a little like standing on a train track saying you’ll be safe because you don’t believe in trains. I think most of the people who ask the question (and yes, in case you were wondering, most of the questioners are men) would be better served acknowledging divorce is a very real possibility and then get busy addressing the problems in their marriage.
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