Greg Smalley, Director of Church Relationship Ministries at The Center for Relationship Enrichment on the campus of John Brown University, believes some marital conflict is the product of unrealistic expectations and miscues about our spouse. It’s often not the words that cause trouble, but the meaning that one attaches to them.
Often we don’t hear what is being said, but what our distorted beliefs tell us our spouse meant. Soon, perception becomes reality and it is easier to react to our misbeliefs than to take the time to really listen to our spouse.
People tend to live up or down to our beliefs about them. Therefore our expectations influence how we act toward our spouse, which in turn causes him or her to behave in a way consistent with our expectations. And our expectations become self-fulfilling prophecies.
Smalley tells the following story,
One day I came home from work and found Erin in a bad mood. Something had clearly upset her. I concluded instantly that she was angry at me. I didn’t ask her if this was true.
I merely jumped to this conclusion. We were supposed to go on a date, and while we were driving, Erin didn’t talk to me. Again, I interpreted her behavior as anger toward me. Finally I got so frustrated with her attitude (I couldn’t think of a single reason why she should be angry with me) that I said, “I’m so tired of your getting mad at me for no reason.” I then expressed several more inflammatory statements. When I’d finished accusing her, how do you think she responded? She got mad at me.
“What on earth are you talking about?” she demanded. “Why are you yelling at me?” We argued back and forth for another five minutes. Then we both withdrew. After several minutes of silence, Erin turned to me and said, “Just for your information, I was not mad at you. I got into a disagreement with a neighbor. This person really hurt my feelings, and I still felt upset when you got home. My bad mood had nothing to do with you.”
My negative belief about Erin (that she was angry with me for no reason) became a self-fulfilling prophecy. My behavior prompted her to become mad at me. Thus my original faulty interpretation became a reality.
When couples have been together a long time, we become good at making guesses as to what our spouse really meant. But, they’re only guesses. We need to stop and check the accuracy of our perceptions.
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Oh gosh, yes. I really have to watch that…that is, assuming without asking.