WebMD has an article about how Losing a Child Increases Risk of Mental Illness.
“(The) risk of mental illness is much greater among parents who have lost a child. And once again the risk was greater for bereaved moms than dads… The risk of hospitalization due specifically to depression-related causes was almost double for bereaved mothers and 60% higher for bereaved dads.”
There are some unanswered questions with the research: does it make a difference how the child died (illness, accident, suicide, murder)? What was the emotional state of the parents before the child’s death? Would strong support from one’s faith community make a difference?
This doesn’t mean all parents who lose a child will develop a mental illness. I view this research as saying they are simply at greater risk. The same is true of divorce following the death of a child: the parent’s marriage is clearly at risk but not destined to end.
I do think for some couples the marriage ends because they didn’t have the emotional resources to comfort each other. The very time one is hurting the most (and in greatest need of receiving support) is the same time one’s spouse is least able to provide comfort and support. Then the added guilt of not being able to help your partner exacerbates the grief and loss of the child’s death.
I am not convinced the behavior of 1 million people in Denmark is a good predictor of how parents in Oklahoma (the “buckle of the bible-belt”) will react. It may be that additional research will show that church attendance and religious behavior has little or no impact on grieving parents. But, I would like to think Christians would have a lower incidence of both hospitalizations and divorce following the death of a child.
Most of the churches I have been a part of do a great job of offering support at the time of the death. And for a few weeks afterwards. It’s the care we give six, nine, twelve months later that often falls through the cracks. I have to admit, as a counselor, I usually refer these families to one of my associates: he simply does a better job of helping them than I do. And, as a pastor, I’m at just as much of a loss as to what to say or do as anyone else. No amount of training or education makes it any easier.
The WebMD article mentions a group I wish I knew more about: Compassionate Friends. They have a resource page with several brochures that look helpful.
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