I was looking for one more article on dating and marriage to quote/link to finish out the week. Specifically, I wanted something from the male perspective. Unfortunately, there is very little out there fitting that description; many articles/blog posts written by and for wives, but few from husbands.
Men, it appears, don’t date our wives, rarely read about dating our wives, and seldom write about it.
I did, however, find this from Marriage Partnership:
During an interview with Christian sex therapists Clifford and Joyce Penner, e-Harmony founder Neil Clark Warren asked, “What percentage of couples can attain a mutually satisfying sexual relationship?” The Penners responded, “100 percent of them. We’ve never worked with a single married couple whom we felt were incapable of attaining a high level of sexual satisfaction with each other.”
Couples often ask us how to keep the excitement in sex. Our answer: Stay connected. Being connected body to body and heart to heart is what makes sex fulfilling and fun. Here are 13 ways you and your spouse can have more passion.
Some of the ideas that seem most pertinent to husbands are:
4. Understand a wife’s definition of satisfaction.
10. Practice the fine art of appreciation.
11. Make each other a priority.
(By the way, Clifford and Joyce Penner have written some great books on sex. One of my favorites is The Gift of Sex: A Guide to Sexual Fulfillment
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From the perspective of 68 years, #11 says it all. Not just in this area of marriage, but also in (a) all of marriage, and (b) the normal Christian life.
Yet for so many men it is difficult; what is it about men that we can convince ourselves the hard work is for the family when the reality is priorities are messed up?
I would add to that list: TAKE A SHOWER! You STINK! Shave. Fix yourself up a little. Come on.
I’m sure you have heard this a million times, Bowden, and so have I. Men complain about their sex lives, and when I ask them about their routine, they say they get home, sit in their chairs and watch tv until dinner is ready. They eat, then go back to their chairs while their wife cleans up from dinner and gets the kids ready for bed. Then in bed, when the wife is tired and cranky, that stinky, unshaved man tries to cuddle up and get a little action. To quote one wife I talked to several years ago, “Yeah, like that’s ever gonna happen.”
We think that women think like us, but they don’t. We are stimulated by what we see, they are stimulated by what they feel. Helping my wife in the kitchen turns her on. Doing a load of laundry does too. Oh, and when I sit and listen to what she says, and engage in a meaningful conversation with her, look out!
I realize that there is more to it than just that, but it does help for the guy to realize that he has to do more than just ask for sex.
This reminds me of the advice my uncle told me before I got married. He told me to just remember to do what it takes to have good sex cuase if the sex is good your marriage will be to. He then followed it up by saying dont focus on the sex itself but the other stuff that leads to great sex. That stategy has worked for him for over 20 years but I have had a hard time figuring out what makes my wife tick.
Jason,
Great comment! Fits with my theme this week: we (men) can’t afford to take our wives for granted and stop dating them.
Jesse,
Focusing on “the other stuff” is good advice. I usually put it in terms of take care of the relationship and the sex will take care of itself.
Good stuff. Thanks for the reminders Bowden.
Josh
“…the word of God is not bound.”
–2 Timothy 2:9
Bowden:
You said “Yet for so many men it is difficult;”. I was taught as a young Christian, that “difficult” is irrelevant. Unless it’s harder than Calvary was, it’s not to be a factor.
This may be getting a little too touchy for the blog world, but hey, Bowden, you started it.
I saw a magazine ad for a company that sold bicycle racing products. There was a picture of a man and woman in bed together, and his hands were raised in victory, as if he had just scored. She had a frustrated and angry look on her face, like she wasn’t “finished” yet. The caption on the ad said, “Fast. Its company policy.”
That reminded me of some advice I received years ago at the Great Hills Men’s Retreat that was held at Falls Creek each year. Harold O’Chester talked about the tendency of men to have a goal of “finishing” as fast as possible, not ever taking the needs of their wife into account. I think that one of the keys to a mutually satisfying sex life is for the man to focus on bringing his wife to that point. O’Chester pointed out that it takes the average man about eleven minutes to reach the point of orgasm, but a woman takes 30-40 minutes. Is that a cruel joke on the part of our Creator, or just a good reason for men to figure out creative ways to make sure their wife is as satisfied as they are?
Cruel joke… or just a good reason for men to (be) creative?
Why assume it has to be one or the other? I think it’s probably both.
Eleven minutes?
My brother told me, when he hit 65, call waiting was the biggest hindrance, for him.
Can you ascribe cruelty to a Good and Holy God? Could you imagine it if you were able? Probably not.
What is so surprising about it? As if it doesn’t fit in with all the other needs a woman has that take time to figure out. We’re [men are] real good at the three H’s, not to be crude, but outside of that things get a little sketchy.
Josh
“…the word of God is not bound.”
–2 Timothy 2:9
Josh,
For the record, I don’t actually believe that God is cruel… I thought I was engaging in a little word play/hyperbole between friends.
Sorry, that was you as in ‘we’.
My point was that God’s cruelty, should it exist, would be incomprehensible to us.
Again, the downside of straight text rears its ugly head. Heck even italics can’t help that.
Josh
“…the word of God is not bound.”
–2 Timothy 2:9