People go through a fairly predictable cycle of grief whenever they experience a loss. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross defined five stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.
There are a few things I don’t think people really understand about he process of grieving.
First, it’s not a nice, clean, linear process. Instead, it’s a process of two steps forward and one step back. And, one can get stuck in a stage.
Second, we grieve each facet of the loss individually. Few losses in life are simple and singular in nature. If my wife were to leave me through death or divorce, I would go through the grieving cycle for each of the little things that made the relationship special. This is why people in the middle of a divorce often feel as if their emotions are swinging widely: they may be in denial over one facet of the relationship, anger regarding another part of the marriage, and bargaining concerning a third facet.
Third, mood changes depending on which stage one is in. It may be stating the obvious, but anger just feels different from depression. Bargaining can often be experienced as anxiousness or desperateness. In the beginning, the mood swings can be rapid. It’s not a mental illness, it’s just that when the grief is fresh we are coming into contact with various aspects of the loss every time we turn around. This also helps explain why the first holiday or the first anniversary can be so difficult. It’s also why a song or a TV commercial can elicit such strong emotions.
And, acceptance is not merely an emotion. It’s also a way of thinking. Acceptance is finding some way to be at peace with the loss. It’s the difference between feeling and being. I may have to change how I view the situation; learn from my mistakes; or figure out a way to memorialize the person or thing that was lost.
Finally, not all losses are bad. But we still grieve them. If God calls me to a new job.. that’s an exciting, good thing. I will still grieve the loss of friends, place, comfort, the old work I enjoyed, etc.
Change (even good changes) produce loss. Loss leads to grieving. Christians will experience change (and therefore loss and grief) just as non-Christians will. The hope and comfort that God offers us is the reality that He is in charge of life even in the midst of change.
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