The other day I received an email, as did other blogging pastors, from Curt (The Happy Husband) asking how pastors could be encouraged. My responses are here and here. I wanted to finish with a brief discussion of problems unique to pastors in developing friendships. Curt asked,
“I know that a lot of pastors find it difficult to make friends with
congregation members, even when people want to be friends. There are all sorts of issues with authority, confidentiality, favoritism, etc. I have also heard that it is often a pastor’s friend whose wounds cut deepest, and pastors already have plenty of wounds. Is there a way to get past that and really be friends with your own pastor?”
Sometimes, the problem is systemic; other times the problem is within the pastor himself. Allow me to tackle the problems within the pastor first; those are issues he has actual control over.
First, many ministers have bought into the myth of the aloof pastor. I have actually heard it taught that pastors should not have friends. In the spirit of Sola Scriptura, I would ask where in Scripture is this actually taught? I believe the Bible teaches us to live open, honest, genuine lives, not to be aloof and emotionally withdrawn.
This is quickly followed by the notion that having friends in the congregation will create problems. It very well may create problems. The pastor who does not live up to the congregation’s unwritten rules and expectations will not likely experience smooth sailing. But, isn’t teaching others how to have meaningful, Christ-centered relationships part of what we do as ministers? And, that includes resolving conflict as it occurs. I don’t want to create conflict just for the sake of having a teachable moment, but I don’t want to run from it either.
The most serious form of conflict is that one might be asked to leave. This is where I begin to lose patience with some pastors. The vast majority of pastors I know are men who could find financial success in any number of fields; they are pastoring a church because of God’s call on their lives. For some guys it’s not the fear of losing ‘a job’; it’s the fear of not being able to make a living elsewhere. I lose patience because they don’t see the talent they have and have come to believe if they are not the pastor at this church, they will be unable to take care of their families. I don’t (necessarily) accuse them of lack of faith (though I think that fits), but of lack of confidence.
Finally, many pastors don’t understand the nature of dual-relationships. Dual-relationships (i.e. both pastor and friend) aren’t inherently evil. They are only a problem when I give preferential treatment to someone solely because they are my friend. In business and government we hold dual-relationships to automatically be a conflict of interest because, quite frankly, we don’t believe politicians and business people to be capable of making self-sacrificing decisions for the greater good. I expect more out of ministers. I think a pastor should always question his motives when it comes to allocating church resources to friends… we should see it as a ‘yellow light’ rather than a ‘red light’.
The other side of the problem is systemic issues within the congregation itself. It may be a matter of ‘we’ve never had a pastor who had close friends in the congregation before’. Or, ‘at my last church… there were problems’.
Or, it may be an issue of a poorly defined decision-making process. Historically, decisions have been made by whomever held influence at the moment, or whichever wheel squeaked loudest. Some may feel a threat to their influence and power if the pastor develops close friends within the congregation.
Ultimately, this boils down to people not really understanding how to be a church. I think Tod (It takes a church) addressed the question of how to be a church quite well: I see no need to repeat his ideas (read them here).
So… what can a lay-person do? I would begin with doing the things you do to develop a friendship with any other man. Forget it’s the pastor, is this someone you would invite for coffee? Or, to play golf? Or, to just ‘hang out’? If yes, then pursue that friendship like any other.
Second, let the pastor know you have no hidden agenda. That you understand being his friend brings no special consideration along with it. Next, remember that friends sometimes have disagreements and conflict. Remember junior high? You could literally be fighting (wrestling, punching, and kicking) with your buddy and the next day (or two hours later) you would be best friends again. Most of us have lost that as adults: we need to try and recapture that spirit again.
Finally, if your church is one that does not follow a clear model for decision-making (most have some kind of written guidelines… they just do something different) then work toward changing the system. Not an easy or short-term project, but it can be done.
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