David Popenoe of the National Marriage Project has a list of Top Ten Myths of Divorce. These were too good to pass up; the first myth is below.
Myth #1. Because people learn from their bad experiences, second marriages tend to be more successful than first marriages.
Seventy-five percent (75%) of those who get divorced will remarry. According to Psychology Today “60% of remarriages fail. And they do so even more quickly; after an average of 10 years, 37% of remarriages have dissolved versus 30% of first marriages.” (Data was mostly likely taken from a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report found here.)
With the caveat that I am a clinician and not a researcher, I offer some reasons remarriages might not work out.
We marry, when we marry – more and more people are opting for cohabitation rather than marriage – for romantic love. Another word for romantic love is ‘passion’. And passion, sorry to say, is mostly hormone driven. In other words, when we are ‘in love’ we are actually in an altered state of consciousness. Or as Pat Love has said
Blended family pressures. The financial stress of child support payments, the hassle of maintaining visitation schedules, and the interference of ex’s who still want to tell you how to run your life are added pressures those marrying for the first time don’t have.
The stigma of divorce may be lessened. The sky didn’t fall after the first divorce; God hasn’t zapped you with a lightening bolt; divorce is something you have learned you really can survive.
No changes made in communication and problem solving patterns. Some people seem to convince themselves their first divorce was all the ex’s fault. They make no effort to change the way they deal with conflict and so repeat the same mistakes in the second marriage they made the first time around.
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Gosh, Bowden. From reading this, it looks like you’ve been dealing with this for a really long time.
As a person who is divorced and remarried, I can say that every word you wrote is true. The pressures on a second marriage are far greater than the first. That is not to say that it would have been better to stay married–I can’t say that with conviction. But the pressure of blended families, child support, and trying to keep a relationship with an ex-spouse while not offending the new one is pretty tough. And it is no suprise that so many second marriages fail. A couple of years ago I read that the percentages of failed marriages goes up with each one–third marriages fail at an even greater rate than second, and so on. Of course, I have my own opinions as to why that is, but I will save it.
So what is the answer? I think it is important to offer classes for people in second and third marriages. There are lots of classes and clinics available for people marrying the first time, but there needs to be more for people who are in second marriages. What do you think?
Jason,
One of my favorite types of counseling is pre-marital with blended families: “pre-re” we call it at CFI.
The good news is 40% of second marriages do make it and I think some education, particularly around communication, problem solving, and step-parenting, can help increase those numbers.
Maybe the next time I put together a workshop on blended families I could get you to do a breakout session: finances and the blended family. What do you think?
Bowden,
I’m enjoying this series. Thanks for going through it.
Well Bowden, you know I would love to help in any way I can, so you let me know, and I will teach whatever you want.
I might be more qualified to teach on communication and step-parenting, because that has been what our struggles are over. When it comes to step-parenting, we have some interesting issues, since my kids are older, and hers are younger. But we are doing quite well, mostly through trial and error :>)
Let me know if I can help in any way.