Myth #10: It is usually men who initiate divorce proceedings. (From David Popenoe’s Top Ten Myths of Divorce.) Popenoe writes:
Two-thirds of all divorces are initiated by women. One recent study found that many of the reasons for this have to do with the nature of our divorce laws. For example, in most states women have a good chance of receiving custody of their children. Because women more strongly want to keep their children with them, in states where there is a presumption of shared custody with the husband the percentage of women who initiate divorces is much lower. [Margaret F. Brinig and Douglas A. Allen, “’These Boots Are Made For Walking”: Why Most Divorce Filers Are Women” American Law and Economics Review 2-1 (2000): 126-169] Also, the higher rate of women initiators is probably due to the fact that men are more likely to be “badly behaved.” Husbands, for example, are more likely than wives to have problems with drinking, drug abuse, and infidelity.
Conventional wisdom among family law attorneys is the one who files first has the most advantages.
On way to avoid the trap of escalating litigation (other than working on your marriage and avoiding divorce) is to take advantage of the Collaborative Law movement.
In collaborative law each side is represented by an attorney; it is not, in my mind, a pure approach to mediation. Both parties agree not to litigate. If one spouse wants to abandon the process and go to court, the attorneys resign from the case. And, there is an agreement – in writing- that nothing from the collaborative sessions can be used in court.
From the Oklahoma Academy of Collaborative Professionals:
When a couple decides to pursue a collaborative divorce, they each hire collaborative lawyers. Then, each spouse meets privately with his or her lawyer. The next step is usually a four-way meeting with both lawyers and both spouses. The meetings are designed to create an atmosphere of mutual respect and engage in joint problem solving.
Additional experts, such as divorce coaches and child or financial specialists, may join the process. In some cases, the mental health or financial expert may be the first professional a spouse sees. These sessions, between spouses and their mental health or financial experts, help each spouse identify and express his or her needs and expectations. The well being of children is a priority.
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