At least once or twice each quarter I will pick up a new client whose spouse has threatened divorce. I’m thinking specifically of young ministers who were shocked when their wife walked out. They quickly acknowledge that, while not perfect, neither have they been complete jerks. Most of these guys would give themselves a grade of “C” in being a husband: room for improvement in areas of communication, attentiveness, and romance but solid in terms of sexual fidelity, financial support, and emotional stability.
The wives, those who will come in later to tell me their side of the story, generally agree with their husband’s assessment of the marriage. Then why get a divorce? The answer usually involves one or more of the following phrases: we were too young; I had no idea what marriage would be like; we just don’t connect like we should; I’ve since found my soul mate.
In other words… I tried marriage and it just isn’t what I thought it would be.
This is how Adelle M. Banks, writing for Religion News Service, sums up the current thinking among evangelicals:
For increasing numbers of clergy, a divorce no longer generates the kind of career-killing hue and cry of decades ago, in part because plenty of people in the pews have experienced divorce themselves.
The shifting views on divorced clergy reflect a growing concession among rank-and-file conservative Christians that a failed marriage is no longer an unforgivable sin.
For many evangelical Christians, the line seems to have shifted from a single acceptable reason for divorce — adultery — to a wider range of reasons that some say can be biblically justified.
And sometimes for no real reason at all.
It is not my intent to pick solely on young women. Many times the roles are reversed and it’s the man who wants out of a marriage simply because the relationship is mediocre. I think, though, that when the same thing is happening among clergy the shift in thinking about divorce becomes even more dramatic.
It’s one thing to have a serious discussion about if and when divorce may be appropriate: bloggers wrote thousands of words about the differences of opinion between David Instone-Brewer and John Piper. I’m all for thinking through tough issues. But shouldn’t we have SOME standards? “Marriage just isn’t what I thought it would be” isn’t even the same as incompatibility or irreconcilable differences.
It’s just “oops”.
I know a good therapist doesn’t register shock on his face and launch into a Dr. Phil type lecture. But after the session is over and the door to my office is closed, I just scratch my head and wonder: how did we get to this place?
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