Paul Amato is a researcher at Penn State University. Dr. Amato recently co-authored a study titled the National Longitudinal Study of Marriage. Amato and his co-researcher Dr. Alan Booth wanted to look at – among other things – the effects of divorce on children.
“We discovered that kids from certain kinds of marriages didn’t suffer much at all from a divorce,” says Booth, “whereas kids from other kinds of marriages did. When kids came from a high-conflict home, they did pretty well when the marriage finally ended and they got out of it. They did almost as well as children from intact marriages on all sorts of measures. We looked at whether or not they were depressed, their sense of well-being, if they were married and, if so, how well they got along with their spouses, at their friendships, and at their relationships with relatives.
“But on every measure, we found that coming from a low-conflict marriage that ends in divorce had a devastating effect on the kids.” Not having seen their parents fighting, “they were caught totally by surprise,” Booth notes. “The divorce wasn’t something they desired at all.” They had no way of understanding their parents were unhappy. “What they’d gotten to know and gotten used to – that looks good to a kid. When all of that is threatened, it has a devastating effect on a kid. They could see nothing but bad things following from it.”
I learned that lesson at 17. I was dating a girl whose parents, like mine, were in the middle of a divorce. I was caught by surprise and couldn’t figure out how or why a divorce was imminent. She had watched her parents argue and fight and viewed their impending divorce with a sense of relief. I think many therapists and ministers assume ALL children will be adversely effected by their parents divorce. Amato and Booth’s research suggest that is simply not true: it depends on the situation.
That’s not, however, validation of the oft repeated, poorly-thought-out rationalization that divorce is better for kids than living in a house with unhappily married adults. There really are very few high-conflict marriages. There’s a huge difference between being unhappily or even miserably married and marriages that are high-conflict.
The best option for children is for adults to be adults: learn to deal with conflict appropriately. Better yet, learn how to be happily married to your current spouse.
If you would like to make a comment, please fill out the form below.
Philip Mulford, JD, former practicing attorney and full time professional mediator, hosts a weekly internet radio talk show Divorce Mediation: Myths & Facts on http://www.webtalkradio.net. Right now he is doing a series of shows about how children are affected by divorce. Maybe worth listening to!
Thanks, Lisa. And, welcome to Counseling Notes.