Therapists are occasionally asked to help divorced parents resolve conflicts about how to raise their child(ren). We are supposed to ask ourselves “What is in the best interests of the child?” It is not a question of what would be fair to one parent or the other.
The problem is that “best interests” is really a misnomer. The best interests of the child is to live with two biological parents who are happily married to one another and capable of making good parenting decisions.
The next “best interests” of a child would be to have divorced parents who are able to communicate clearly and easily negotiate good parenting decisions. We usually think of this as cooperative parenting. Two households, one basic set of rules and expectations for the child, lots of communication between the parents.
Behind cooperative parenting is parallel parenting. Parallel parenting is two households, two sets of rules and expectations, very little communication, but very little conflict between parents.
It is when divorced adults cannot even manage parallel parenting and engage in conflict over how to raise their child that people like me get involved.
I think we can be helpful in many different ways. But, please, let’s be honest. We’re no longer trying to find the “best” outcome for the children. Just a better outcome than endless conflict and litigation.
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A former seminary prof described the results of sin as a process of limiting life’s choices toward the less acceptable. Grace then asks the question, ” So now what can we best do with the limited options set before us?”
Thanks for the call to clarity and honesty.