I found an interesting blog over the weekend: We Survived an Affair. The writer is anonymous, male, an attorney, and blunt. But I don’t think the story wouldn’t be much different if a woman was writing and her husband had the affair.
I like the hope with which he begins his story:
“It’s been almost 4 years since I learned that my wife was having an affair. I will never forget that moment, and at that moment I never would have thought we would be married — happily married — 4 years later.”
We Survived writes, “We’ve healed a great deal since then, but I still want to tell my story, even if nobody hears it.” I think it’s worth reading; and it would be a shame if no one heard this story.
I thought I would review his posts from a counselor’s viewpoint. Not to offer criticism, but to elaborate on what he openly admits are strengths and weaknesses. It’s one thing to say, “I’m glad” or “I wish I hadn’t” and another to more thoroughly explore the process of affair recovery.
We Survived ends his first post with, “We were smart and kept our private lives private, so I don’t have anyone to talk to. So, I started a blog… here’s to the anonymity of the web.”
Who to tell, and not tell, is always a difficult decision.
Don’t tell: your family (parents, siblings, favorite aunt, etc.) If, like We Survived, the marriage succeeds, you and your spouse will move beyond the affair. Your parents won’t. Most likely, you will always be the one who hurt their little boy or little girl.
Don’t tell: your kids. If the marriage doesn’t survive there will be plenty of time later for the two of you to determine together what to tell the children. The kids will know something is wrong (children are little barometers of marital stress) but they won’t know what’s wrong. I believe it’s important to assure them the stress is real (don’t ever lie to your children) but has nothing to do with them. Mother and Dad both love them. The stress is adult business that they won’t understand at this time.
Don’t tell: everyone at church. Or, in your small group Bible study. The key word here is everyone. We’re looking for a successful ending to the crisis. It’s not reasonable to cajole church members into picking sides and then expect them to put aside their biases down the road. Plus, you’re still married… still a team. You may have the freedom to tell your story, but to tell your spouse’s story without his/her permission will damage the process of rebuilding trust. Besides, once the story is around the church your children will hear it from someone other than you. Always a very bad idea.
There will come a time later when the two of you can share your story of recovery together for the benefit of others who may be going through the same thing. But not at first.
Do tell: your pastor. Your pastor can either provide marital counseling (some are very skilled at this) or make a referral to a professional. He can also offer encouragement, hope, and confrontation if one or both of you need it.
Do tell: your primary care physician. There will be a roller coaster of emotions. Medication may be helpful to sleep, keep up your appetite, or deal with depression. You may also want to be tested for S.T.D.’s.
Do tell: a marriage counselor. We Survived and his wife already had a relationship with a counselor and quickly re-engaged in therapy.
Do tell: a very few, very select, same gender, Christian friends who will support the two of you without picking sides. A good friend is like a good coach: he knows when to put his arm around you and tell you to hang in there; and when to give you a swift kick in the rear and tell you to take another lap.
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