I’m often telling interns and new therapists, “Don’t work if you haven’t been hired.” And, “Don’t work harder than the client is working.” Both statements get at the idea that people don’t change simply because we tell them to; there must be some degree of motivation on the part of the client.
Something similar is true in marriages. It takes the form of ‘helping’ when you haven’t been asked.
We have a word for that in the English language: nagging.
Nagging is defined as: finding fault or complaining in an irritating, wearisome, or relentless manner.
Nobody wakes up one morning and decides to be relentlessly irritating to their spouse. We simply want to help. The problem is that ‘helping’ when you haven’t been asked is seen as nagging in women and controlling in men.
Better to wait until you’ve been asked.
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So who asked YOU already?
Bowden what would you call a negative response when you have been asked to help?
Jesse,
Not sure I understand what you’re asking. For the most part, if I ask my spouse for help and am told “No; take care of it yourself”, then I would call that a point for further discussion.
I may not bring it up right then, but be assured I will bring it up sooner rather than later. It could be I end up agreeing that ‘help’ would have been counter productive; or it could be my spouse begins to see how the relationship was damaged by not helping. Either way… we now have a new problem to be solved.